AN AMERICAN PASTOR VISITS A NATIONAL WORK
NATIONAL: Today we have a great American evangelist who has come to speak to us. I have been asked to interpret because he does not speak our language.
PASTOR: Thank you brother, I am so happy to be here. I would also like to say thank you for a very unique lunch.
NATIONAL: He says thank you for giving him the only meal he has had.
PASTOR: I have to admit that the food made butterflies in my stomach.
NATIONAL: What did you say?
PASTOR: I have butterflies in my stomach.
NATIONAL: It seems that he has taken some flies into his stomach.
PASTOR: But really, I liked it. It was good I really enjoyed it.
NATIONAL: He think he liked the flies!
PASTOR: Yes! it was good. I enjoyed it!
NATIONAL: He really liked the flies!PASTOR: I want you to know that I am just tickled pink that you have invited me here.
NATIONAL: It seems that this man has broken out in a rash and has been scratching all over until he has turned pink in places.
PASTOR: I am especially ecstatic about the topic you have asked me to address.
NATIONAL: I guess there is a great deal of elastic in his dress today!
PASTOR: My topic is “How to get people involved in spiritual ministry”.
NATIONAL: He is going to tell us how to get people involved in ministering to spirits.
PASTOR: You see there are too many Christians in America running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
NATIONAL: What are they doing?
PASTOR: Running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
NATIONAL: In this man’s country there are many Christians suffering persecution. They are just killing people by cutting their heads off, then they run around for awhile, I don’t know why.
PASTOR: But their testimony is not worth a hill of beans!
NATIONAL: Their testimony is not worth a mountain of vegetables.
PASTOR: It is time to get on the ball for Jesus.
NATIONAL: It is time to play sports for Jesus.
PASTOR: Part of the problem is with the pastors.
NATIONAL: Part of the problem is you pastors.
PASTOR: They don’t wait upon God.
NATIONAL: They don’t take good care of God.
PASTOR: They are always jumping the gun.
NATIONAL: What! What are they doing?
PASTOR: Jumping the gun.
NATIONAL: Jump?
PASTOR: Yes, jumping the gun.
NATIONAL: Oh, yes. They are putting a gun on the ground and jumping up and down on it!
PASTOR: They are always shooting off their mouth.
NATIONAL: What?
PASTOR: Shooting off their mouth.
NATIONAL: Whooo. Then they take the gun and shoot off their lips;
I don’t know why.
PASTOR: Then they stick their foot in their mouth.
NATIONAL: Then after they have just shot off their lips, they put their foot into their mouth.
PASTOR: Meanwhile, there is the problem of just being lackadaisical.
NATIOAL: Meantime there is the problem of laxatives.
PASTOR: Give your congregation a reason to be glued to their seats!
NATIONAL: Glued?
PASTOR: A reason to be glued to their seats.
NATIONAL: Now then, listen very carefully. When people come into your church just put something sticky down so when they sit, they cannot get up again.
PASTOR: I know how it is getting ready for church.
NATIONAL: I know how it is to prepare for church.
PASTOR: It is late Sunday morning.
NATIONAL: It is late Sunday morning.
PASTOR: The kids are in the yard getting dirty like pigs.
NATIONAL: Kids?
PASTOR: Yes, you know, you have kids too.
NATIONAL: Yes, they have some baby goats in the yard and they are beginning to look like pigs.
PASTOR: Then you bring them into the house.
NATIONAL: they bring them into the house!
PASTOR: Yes, and you put them into the bath tub.
NATIONAL: You do? You put the baby goats into the bathtub!
PASTOR: And you begin to wash the mud off of them.
NATIONAL: And they begin to just wash the mud off of them.
PASTOR: In the meantime your wife is busy making up her face.
NATIONAL: Uh, what is she doing?
PASTOR: Making up her face.
NATIONAL: Ah, yes, your wife is making her face happy for Jesus.
PASTOR: You step outside and it’s raining cats and dogs.
NATIONAL: Ay, yey, yey You step outside and small animals start to fall out of the _sky!!!
PASTOR: About that time your wife’s hairdo falls in her face.
NATIONAL: What, what falls in her face?
PASTOR: Your wife’s hairdo falls in her face.
NATIONAL: Hairdo? Ah, yes! It seems his wife is hit in her face with one of small animals falling from the sky.
PASTOR: It’s enough to make your head spin.
NATIONAL: The blow makes her head rotate.
PASTOR: It’s enough to make you go bananas.
NATIONAL: I’m not sure why but tropical fruit is coming in here from
somewhere.
PASTOR: Well, you finally get to church.
NATIONAL_ Thank God!
PASTOR: And by the time you get there, you aren’t even thinking
about God.
NATIONAL: By the time you get to this church, you don’t even want to think
about God.
PASTOR: You are mad at your wife and your kids.
NATIONAL: You become insane with your wife and these baby goats.PASTOR: You are so upset you begin to chew your wife out.
NATIONAL: Well…you become so angry with your wife you begin to
bite her.
PASTOR: People are just sitting like bumps on a log.
NATIONAL: People are sitting on fallen trees.
PASTOR: Your wife is trying to smile.
NATIONAL: Your wife is just trying to laugh.
PASTOR: Everybody can tell you have just chewed her out.
NATIONAL: Everybody can see you have bitten her; I suppose the teeth marks are still there.
PASTOR: I see now the clock is flying and I must rush to a
conclusion.
NATIONAL: It seems that this man had a vision of the clock flying and giving people concussions.
PASTOR: What you need to do is get into your closet to pray.
NATIONAL: Get into the Water Closet?
PASTOR: Any kind of closet.
NATIONAL: What you need to do is to go into the bathroom and pray.
NATIONAL: You need to go to the altar and get a hold of the horns of the altar.
NATIONAL: What, what did you say?
PASTOR: Yes. Yes, you must get hold of the horns of the altar.
NATIONAL: Ah, yes. Do you remember those baby goats? They must have horns
and you must go get a hold of the horns.
I don’t know why.
PASTOR: We need pastors with enough guts to fast and pray fire into God’s house.
NATIONAL: We need pastors with big guts who can fast and pray until the church catches on fire!
PASTOR: Now, if you will follow my instruction…
NATIONAL: Now if you will talk just like I do…
PASTOR: The power of God will sweep over you.
NATIONAL: God will hit you with a broom.
PASTOR: Every word I am telling you is in the Bible.
NATIONAL: This man thinks that everything he says is in the Bible.
PASTOR: I hope that someday you can come to America and preach at our church.
NATIONAL: He hopes that someday I can go to America and straighten out this poor man’s theology!
PASTOR: I want to thank you for the opportunity to share these special insights from the Word, it has really been great.
NATIONAL: Even though we know that this evangelist from America is very crazy, we must not offend him so let us all stand and clap our hands.